pant

"When losing my virginity, right as I started to get off I moaned 'pull, pull!' She was on top so I had to pick her up off of it. But it was too late."

"Me and my girlfriend were watching TV on the couch. I fell asleep and when I woke up to kiss her I found myself getting 'kissed' back by her cocker-spaniel. "

"I had a dream that my crush was kissing me, then woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch and my German shepherd was licking my face."

"Been raped by my friend's dog while incredibly drunk."

"My boyfriend and I were at a school dance, and I went to the restroom. Well, the power had gone out, so my boyfriend moved from where he was standing to a spot over by the door that I would come through, so that he could grab me when I walked by. It was too dark for him to see me, so I walked right past him to the place where I had originally left him. When I reached the person standing there, who I assumed to be my boyfriend, I put my arms around his waist, and whispered in his ear, 'Let's go have us some fun babe!' As if on cue the power came on and the person turned and looked at me. It was my English teacher."

"I married the first woman who asked me."

"Let my mom read an autograph book in which someone had written erotic details I had engaged in with him."

"One time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy."

"I told a girl who wanted me that we were related. I haven't seen her since."

"My boyfriend and I were going to the movies. I was driving my car and leaned over to kiss him. In the process, I ran off the road. We hit a cement culvert and basically totalled the car."

"Aged 10 used indelible blue ink on my penis."

"Masturbated with an industrial Belt Sander."

"When I was 14 years old a boy came up to me and asked me if I spit or swallowed. I told him neither, I just swooshed it around in my mouth for a little while."

"I was once out with a (ahem!) gentleman friend, and to put it bluntly, we couldn't wait to get home! We got back to my place (university room = freezing cold) and I put on a little three bar electric fire. Once the place had warmed up, we decided to get down and dirty, and so on... Anyway, I thought a change of position would be nice and jumped on top. After a short while, he started making a lot of noise so I thought Hey, I'm getting better at this! Turned out that the poor man's feet were literally in the fire. I thought he was having an orgasm when he was actually suffering third degree burns to the feet!"

"Played footsie under the dinner table with the wrong person."

"I am going out with Abby."

"I decided that it would be incredibly funny to wind up my wife by recording the lottery results off TV one week, then buying a ticket for the following week, using last week's numbers. Then when the following Saturday night came I played back the video of the previous week's results, which the wife thought were this week's results, and hey presto... She went crazy... Jumping around screaming, ringing her mother (and all of her friends to give them all the good news). After all these phone calls I decided to confess. You can imagine her response. Moron was one of the kinder things I was called that night. The things us men do for a laugh, ay!"

"I was once getting help fixing a machine at work by a woman I had a crush on. I wanted to say 'show me your muscles,' but instead said 'show me your nipples.' Four years later we were married."

"I've drunkenly snogged my best mate's dad!"

"I spanked it on my schoolbus. And I spanked it good."

"I was dropping off a date very late one cold night in a small Wyoming town. She was completely faced and, of course, there was no way she could even walk. I was only twenty at the time and was a bit afraid of her father's reputation as a hard-as-nails redneck. But I was a gentleman and there was no way I was going to leave without knowing for sure she was inside. It was dark, cold, and I was nervous as hell. The porch light was off and I knocked softly on the door. It was just enough to swing the door in and send the dogs barking like Timmy was trapped in the cave. My date fell into the foyer and landed flat on the floor as two immense dogs came bounding down the stairs directly ahead of me. All I could see was fur and fangs as I frantically kicked my date's feet in away from the door so I could shut it and escape with my life. At the last possible moment, as I finally kicked away the last bit of pant cuff and ankle, these two huge dogs leapt from the bottom stair and crashed into the door behind me as I ran. I often wonder...."

"I have been having sex on a semi-regular basis with a married man."

"I believed a member or two of 'the male species' when they said 'Trust me, you know I love you.'"

"I got my bollocks caught in the door and got a hard on."

"I was with my boyfriend and my friend and her boyfriend one night. Without thinking, I kissed her boyfriend because I thought that he was mine."

"Believed in someone on the internet that I'd never met... so is that how love is? Not!"

"Kissed a guy, then asked his name"

"I've married a woman just like that and ended up 30 years later with six kids and a bank loan."

"Flirted online with woman that turned out to be a man."

"I had a boyfriend who would, you know, finish a little too soon. So that I wouldn't be unsatisfied he would continue till I was done. Well, one time he was getting annoyed cause I wasn't even showing one bit of pleasure. So he asked me 'When am I going to be done?' To which I responded, 'When I feel something.' Well, that was pretty much the end of that because we couldn't stop laughing."

"I dated a cross-dressing man for 6 years before I realized he wasn't a woman."

"Once, I was walking while talking to the most popular girl in school and I walked into a School-Zone sign and was knocked unconcious for 10 minutes"

"On my honeymoon, I was talking to my new husband while walking backwards down a hall (the better to maintain that all-important, never-ending, love-filled eye contact so important to the Deeply-In-Love) and turned around to face forward just in time to smack into a glass door. My new husband (the adorable little shit) saw the door, knew I was going to walk into it, and yet said nothing. Oh how I love that man of mine."

"Once, when I was 13, I had a gigantic uncontrollable boner. It was at a family gathering and it was one of those pubescent moments one can't control. Suddenly my Mom appears and shouts that I am going to have my picture taken with my Grandma, that God Damn Minute! The picture was taken, and my boner is quite evident in the photo, which hangs in many relatives' homes."

"I walked down the church aisle with a man who said I do, but couldn't."

"While shopping with my ex-girlfriend at the gap, she had asked me to come into the dressing room to see how her jeans fit. Well, one thing lead to another and we wound up doing it in the dressing room. As we both exited, the store manager stood in front of the room and asked, 'You are buying those jeans, aren't you?'"

"My boyfriend convinced me to have sex with him in the bathroom of an 'alternative' nightclub. I was wearing a green sundress with white nylons. We went into the bathroom, and he tucked my dress into my nylons and ripped a giant hole in the crotch. (I was not wearing any underwear.) We never finished because people kept coming in the bathroom. We left. It wasn't until I was halfway across a non-crowded dance floor that I noticed that my dress was still tucked into my nylons, which had a gaping hole in them."

"I love Tom."

"I was in 8th grade, and a guy I had a very big crush on walked up to me and started to tease me. About what, I don't remember. Being the silly little 8th grade girl that I was, upon his teasing me I playfully kicked at him, and my shoe went flying off as I went crashing to the ground, hopelessly embarrassed. And it really did happen to me that I had my skirt tucked into my pantyhose upon leaving the bathroom: at the same school, in the same grade. What a year!"

"Handcuffed a woman and lost the key."

"Fell into a septic tank .... on my first date."

"I once locked myself out of my girlfriend's house, right before a sexual encounter. I had gone to get my condoms out of the car, when I slammed the door on my shirt, ripped the $90 garment to shreds, and then fell off her stoop and twisted my ankle."

"A guy asked me out and I accused him of being paid to do it!"

"Had been drinking all night with a guy, went back to his hotel and proceeded to get inside of the bathtub to throw up because I couldn't find the toilet. I guess I should add that I was naked, squatting, and that he walked in on me."

"I have called my teacher Mrs. Kevin (Kevin is the guy I love) instead of Mrs. [----], in front of the whole class."

"I was down at the Delta Center going to watch a Jazz game. As I went to go walk into the Delta Center this really fine guy yelled at me. And he had a sweet looking car. As I waved to him I ran right into the flag pole. He started laughing then and helped me up. We hooked up and to this day he reminds me about it. "

"I once told my girlfriend (now my ex) that she did look fat in a dress and that a little make-up might help. I think she might have been mad at me already though: I accidentally put on a pair of her panties and they tore."

"I work at a store and I really like this guy I work with, but never really talks to me. One day I was going to go outside and he asked me out while my back was to him. Instead of stopping to talk I turned around and kept walking--straight into the garbage can."

"I once told a girl that I've known girls a lot fatter than her."

"My friend and I went out with the same guy and didn't even know it. (He pretended to be two guys, Eddie and Tony: we were young teenagers, and not allowed to actually date, so the relationships were strictly over the phone.) I was the one who ended up going out with Tony, the 'invisible' guy for about two months before he finally confessed. Sara, my friend, was the one going out with the 'real' guy, Eddie. We met Eddie once at the park, but 'Tony' couldn't make it, because he was sick. When we finally did find out (he couldn't keep his little secret anymore, because Tony and I were getting too serious and I wanted to actually see him) we felt like complete idiots. But we were totally shocked. We didn't have a clue! He completely pulled it off for the two months. So what happened? This is the total moron thing: he became my boyfriend! Eddie did, anyway. For about four months. Definitely a moronic tale."

"I had the Most Beautiful Girl in the world give me a big smile and wave, and I turned around to see who she was waving at."

"Went on a date with a beautiful woman, while wearing a pair of pants that was split from the waistband to the crotch in the back. Although I heard snickers all evening, neither she nor I could figure out why. (She still doesn't know it ever happened, as the discovery was made when I pulled the pants off after the date)"

"I said that my friend's boyfriend was the ugliest thing I had ever seen, not realizing they were both right behind me."

"At lunchtime at school once I was drinking milk and the teacher came up to me and said let's have lexs and I thought she said let's have sex and I spit my drink out of my nose and got a really bad nosebleed and had to go to the doctor because it got infected and I was called 'spewer.'"
[I love this story even though I have no idea what "lexs" is, or why a teacher would want to have it with a student.]

"I fell asleep while attending a Lamase class with my wife."

"I was driving down a main road and my friend told me to look over at the next car. As I took my eyes off the road to look at the two hot guys, I slammed into the car in front of me."

"One time, me and my mom went to a local hockey game (minor leagues, no big deal). We were lucky to get seats right at the glass, second row, from a scalper outside the arena. Well, since we had gotten there early, we got to watch warmups before the game. Well, a guy from 'our' team kept glancing our way. So I was like 'I want to get his attention,' so I crossed my legs, and trying to be cool, bent over to get my drink off the floor (don't ask). Well as I was bending over, I wasn't paying too much attention and bam! I hit my forehead on the chair in front of me. Unfortunately, he had been staring right at me, and had witnessed my so cool maneuver. He busted out laughing! My face was soooo red! But in more ways then one: Upon rushing to the bathroom to check out my head, I had a huge red mark right smack in the middle of my forehead."

"I accidently stabbed myself in the head with a steak knife.... Oh and there was that time I was at the beach in a cottage with my cousin and we didn't think anyone was watching so we decided that we'd make up this funky dance... well the window shades were kind of open and I was mortified when I looked outside only to see these two hot guys pointing and laughing at us."

"I accidently caught my friend's pubic area on fire!"

"I once walked over to my crush with my fly down. Oops!"

"I've walked out with someone thinking they were the person I was with"

"I have been naive enough to believe honesty is foremost in a relationship. ie: My fiance and I were discussing sex, and he asked if I thought about others when we had sex. I thought because I wanted to know who he fantasized about, he would actually want to know who I thought about. With this whole honesty thing in mind, I rattled off some of my friends' names, and then some of his friends' names. Notice I said my fiance, not my husband."

"I forgot to respond to my alarm clock one morning, and my 'more than generous' aunt woke me up. She found me sprawled out on my bed with a full blown erection."

"I held hands with a guy I didn't know because I thought he was my boyfriend."

"I was with my boyfriend and trying to be very cool and calm. I had to get sonething from the back room and the hallway was pretty dark. I ended up walking right into the closed wooden door of the back room. My boyfriend ran back to see what happened and couldn't stop laughing for at least and hour. Not only that but I had a major headache. He still makes fun of me for that mistake!"

"At my cousin's funeral, I met up with my old priest from school days (was a real good looker). I called him by his name, Father John, and he said he was no longer a priest. I then said, 'Well, we (my seventh grade female school friends) always thought you were too good looking to be a priest.' (Arrrrrrrrgghh! Did I say that? Yes! I was so embarrassed)"

"I took my wife's car to work one day while she took mine to the shop for some needed work. When I came out of the office to go home I thought my car had been stolen, so I called the police, etc. What I didn't know was that my wife had loaned my car, after its repair, to her mother to run some errands. She was apprehended by the cops who then called me to report they had the culprit. We would have been married for 10 years that week."

"Well... Once I was waiting around after school by myself for my ride and I got so bored, I started watching an ant walk around on the ground... little did I know that this guy I had a killer crush on was watching me turn circles (think dog chasing its own tail) for 10 minutes, totally absorbed in it..."

"While breaking up with my girlfriend I quoted Fonzy (from Happy Days): as cool as he is, this isn't his thing."

"Masturbated with dish soap and all my skin dried up and fell off."

"I have turned to watch an attractive young woman walking in the opposite direction, and then turned back just in time to walk into a lamp post."

"At a restaurant, I walked out of the bathroom with my wife and didn't have my fly zipped."

"While talking to the girl I like I got stuck between two bars in an iron door. A bunch of people watched me without helping while I struggled in anguish and pain to get free."

"When trying to express to my wife that my affection for her was for more than her good looks, I mistakenly uttered the statement, 'Even if you were uglier than you are now, I would still love you.' She saved that one."

"Once attempted to rip a girl's panties off in the heat of passion, and dislocated her hip."

"I have forgotten to pick my husband up after work. Several times."

"When the guy that I liked finally asked me to wait after class for him I was so nervous that when I stood up I knocked the chair/desk to the ground--huge bang! He just shook his head sadly and left."

"Once I asked a friend when he and his wife were going to have some kids. I didn't know they were in the middle of an ugly divorce."

"I slept with my best friend's boyfriend and ended up pregnant at the same time that she was."

"One day I was walking on the beach with my crush--my soon-to-be boyfriend--and I was wearing a brand new black two piece bathing suit that I thought was pretty nifty. He believed me when I told him I had just bought it at the mall for $50. Then at one point he looked down and said, 'What's this?' I had left the tag on it. 'K-Mart,' it said, 'Sale. $3.00.' Ahhhh! I felt like a complete moron, and I feel like one telling you this, too."

"On my very first date, I dropped the girl off in the rain without waiting to make sure she was able to get in the house. She was locked out of the house (in the rain) for over an hour. While she was waiting, the neighbor's dog came up and she started petting it. She didn't notice until the dog left that he had peed on her. She didn't speak to me for several weeks, but of course I didn't realize what had happened. She now tells this story at every reunion."

"I have tried to have intercourse with a girl who still had her panties on."

"After having performed oral sex on my boyfriend, my hair got caught in his fly."

"I have kissed good buy."

"Tried to convince my girl I wasn't cheating on her after realizing (out loud) I had crabs."

"My friend introduced herself to her future boyfriend by puking in his lap."

"My boyfriend once did a drunken handstand in the middle of the night and crashed into the stereo equipment while he was persuading me that he was quite sober and ready for love..."