squish/splash

"In third grade, I once cut eleven farts in class in one day, audible to my classmates but escaping the notice of Sister Marie. This was a class record, as far as I knew."

"While saying something calm, comforting, and sweet to this totally cute older guy that I, to this day, have a major crush on, I leaned backwards and fell down the steps, right onto my ass!"

"I had finished decorating a birthday cake for my dad and had extra blue icing left over. I ate the rest of the remaining icing from the tube. The next morning I crapped blue poo."

"I fell down a 40 foot deep dry well in Mexico after urinating into it. No bones were broken."

"About four years ago I was living in Virginia on a thoroughbred farm exercising potential race horses. One night me and some friends of mine went out to play pool and drink some beers. When we left I, of course, didn't go to the bathroom first. We stopped to buy cigarettes and I asked the clerk if I could use their bathroom. He said no. The farm that I was living on was 7 miles out of town through twisty, turny, hilly roads and there was no way that I could make it home. I went outside around the building and crouched down (I'm a girl) and began to pee. I was halfway finished when a bright, shinning spotlight shone down upon me. No it was not God or an Alien... it was the police. I was arrested (as my friends howled with laughter from the car) for peeing in public. I went to court with great embarassment and the case was thrown out."

"I once took a dump in an empty pretzel bag while staying in my girlfriend's dorm room. Then put it in a trash can outside her door... as far as I know no one knew about it."

"After driving into my garage late one night with a painfully distended bladder, I made emergency use of a plastic bleach bottle from which the bottom had been cut to convert it into a funnel, not realizing my error until I happened to notice that my feet were getting warm."

"As a kid of 6 or 7 years of age, I was playing outside and needed to relieve myself. We lived in this flat and underneath was sort of an opening/crawling space or something like that... anyway... the coast was clear so I got it out and went... only to accidently let go of my pants which had a rubber band in 'em... next thing I know I'm spraying urine all over my face and into my nostrils... which is quite painful let me tell you..."

"This girl was resting on my lap and as a I got up I accidently let out this fart right in her face which was the most embarrassing thing I have ever done in my life."

"I have pissed my pants while playing co-ed volleyball with a bunch of adults! And had to run off to the washroom and leave my panties in the garbage!"

"When I was twelve years old I joined the Boy Scouts. On the way out to my very first camping trip, I barfed on one of my fellow scouts in the van (and down the side of the van) but not before making the most pathetically ill face (cheeks full of puke--finger pointing desperately at the mouth) which was remembered forever by my classmates as 'The Barf Face.' Fifteen years later and the scout who got barfed on is a famous director of horror movies. A friend of mine from college, to whom I'd told this story many years earlier, meets him at a film festival and, without saying a word, makes 'The Barf Face.' The director grins widely and asks him how long he's been a friend of mine."

"I once crapped my pants because I didn't want to get up during the Super Bowl."

"When I was younger my parents bought a super massaging thing. My friends dared me to sit on it when it was on full blast. It hit me so hard and vibrated fast that I peed in my pants."

"Once I got so drunk that I forgot where my bathroom was and vomited in my shoes which were in the closet."

"I once had to go to the bathroom so badly that I held my hand under my crotch all the way to the bathroom, and kept it there as I peed."

"I got my shorts stuck in my zipper and couldn't unzip my pants so I wet myself."

"I have passed gas with a roar in the middle of B. Dalton's Bookstore, and all the children ran to their mommies. The entire store cracked up, my children were embarrassed."

"I farted into a mic singing a solo at church. All of a sudden the choir stopped singing."

"I have peed my pants while riding a horse because I wanted to see what would happen."

"Pissed in a sink mistaking it for a bathroom toilet."

"I once peed into the wind on my first day of school."

"Farted in my gran's face while I bent over to pick up a table-tennis ball."

"Farted in a plane and the stewardess did a search through everyone's things then she reported over the intercom that it was my fart."

"I had two new kitties who I was still 'potty' training. I was tired, starving, and had just got in from work, and I could smell.... poop. So I went in search of the offending article and could not track it down. Eventually, I walked into the bathroom and noticed the rug a little bit crumpled. In anger, hunger, and frustration I flicked the rug up, unfortunately scooping a big blob of sticky kitty poop on the ends of my fingers. Just then my doorbell rings several times in quick succession. Not knowing what else to do I hopped over to the front door with my poopy hand behind my back, hoping it would just be the neighbour saying hello. It was the 'cable' man, and I couldn't get rid of him. He was determined to sell me the damn stuff, and eventually after about 10 minutes I agreed to join, just to get rid of him. So then he handed me a clipboard with a form on it to fill in, and in my haste I took it with my poopy fingers! Needless to say, he went away disgusted, and I didn't get cable TV after all."

"Actually this credit goes to my brother. One night he came home drunk and passed out in his bed, which isn't too moronic. But the real crisis came when he realized he was going to be sick, but didn't want my parents to hear him barfing in the bathroom (their room is right across from the bathroom). So he opened his window and let loose. The only flaw in his beautiful plan was that our parents bedroom window is next to his, so they heard the whole entire episode, right from the window opening to his praying to the mighty god of Yaarrgghh to the window closing. The next morning my father made him wash the side of the house that he had dirtied."

"On a weekend trip to visit my sister while she was in college we went out drinking all night (duh) and when we got back to the dorm she gave up her bed for me and my beau... sometime in the night she got up to use the restroom and being drunk and in a different bed walked over to my bed, sat on the edge and peed right into one of her shoes."

"I was at McDonalds and accidentally farted by an old man. Then I pointed at him."

"When standing up to go pee I pooped on the floor!"

"I was running at cross country camp and had to take a crap, so I went to a little hill and squatted. I lost my balance and fell in my crap and down the hill. At the camp awards I got the 'dump gribble' award."

"Once, desperate to empty my bowels of solids, I ran upstairs, hurriedly undoing my jeans, heading for the toilet. Safely ensconced upon the porcelain throne, I enjoyed that special feeling of relief that comes only after having held everything in for too long. Unfortunately, the toilet couldn't stand the strain and the bowl split in two, leaving me with only enough space for one buttock. I had to continue and saw that the break had occurred above the water-line. Thank God! Having finished, I did what I had been trained to do since the potty days: I wiped myself clean with toilet paper, threw the paper into what remained of the bowl, stood up, pulled up and fastened my jeans, turned round, and, of course, moron that I am, flushed the goddamn toilet."

"One day in high school I farted audibly when I intended to emit a silent puff. Several people turned their heads, so I blurted out 'It was my shoe on the carpet!' They looked down at my shoe, so I obligingly rubbed it across the carpet. I guess I was a lucky moron, because it miraculously made a farting noise on the carpet. Of course, I spent the rest of class rubbing my shoe back and forth on the carpet just to make sure they knew I wasn't lying."

"I have farted in an auditorium while the microphone was at my side."

"I once lay on my back to see how high I could piss..."

"Whilst enjoying a beer-infused afternoon on a friend's boat on the Chicago River, I experienced a sudden and overwhelming need to defecate. It was a small power boat with no amenities at all. There was no place to pull into, and no other option was available--not even a bucket. The plan was for my two friends to hold onto my arms while I relieved myself by hanging my butt over the side. An awkward thing to do in the best of circumstances, but while drunk, on a rocking boat, with diarrhea--! It only got worse when we spotted a large pleasure boat coming by, complete with people dancing, etc., on the bow. Never has a party gotten so quiet so fast."

"I got caught pissing off the school roof."

"Laughed so hard in public that I passed gas."

"I was on a boat with all of my friends and I had to pee but there were no bathrooms on the boat. I went into a closed hallway so I could relieve myself in a cup. My friends walked in and caught me mid-squat. I dropped the cup and pee went everywhere. I will never forget that moronic move."

"I once pissed all over myself at church."

"I can't even believe I'm gonna write this one. I stayed the night with a boyfriend I was crazy about. Right in front of him, sexily wrapped up in the sheets, I thought I could sneak a tiny fart. Out came diarrhea instead. For a long moment, he thought I was hemmoraging but then we both realized what it was. I am lucky he had a good sense of humor."

"I don't know if this one counts, since I am four months pregnant and sometimes have stomach upsets, but this morning on a crowded train, standing right in front of a seated passenger, I farted loudly."

"One day this member of my family was umpiring a baseball game. While he was putting on his cup/jockstrap thing, he sneezed and shit himself. That's not the worst part: he had no change of clothes, so he had to do the whole ballgame and a two hour drive home still sitting in it."

"Right now I am choking on my own spit .... can't even control my own fluids."

"My friend showed me a really big bruise on her ass, and it was so funny that I couldn't stop laughing, and after about two minutes I barfed all over the place from laughing too much."

"I have a keyholder which looks like a pile of dung. I keep it in my yard. One day I locked myself out, but remembering the key I reached down and picked up a pile of crap."

"I was fixing my jet-ski and lay down in the grass and when I got up I had dogshit all over my back."

"I was at a friend's house for a little party. I went to take a leak and the toilet seat would not stay up. Finally I thought i had it up. I was peaing when it started to fall... I panicked and reached forward with both hands to stop the fall. It worked, but I pissed all over myself at the same time. I stayed on the terrace the rest of the night trying to dry off..."

"One word: methane."

"Sneezed and farted at the same time. Also, have to sleep with gum in my mouth and waken up with it in my hair."

"I sat right down in my brother's birthday cake once."

"Once I laughed so hard I farted sooooo loud."

"Once I got drunk and passed out. I started sleepwalking and tried to pee on a friends lap."

"This was in the 8th grade. I went to the bathroom before my math class started. I was going and I looked down and noticed I wasn't 'making it to the bowl.' It was bouncing off the side right onto my pants. So I walked into class with pee on the back of my jeans (very noticable) and told everyone I didn't pee on myself: the sink got me. Then I had to explain how I managed to get sink water on the back of my pants."

"I have farted when my grandmother and grandfather appeared."

"I lost control of my bowels on a boat in the middle of lake Erie, with three of my good friends on board..."

"I have gone to the john without checking first to see if there was any toilet tissue available."

"One night I woke up and instead of going into the bathroom I went into the kitchen and pissed into the trash can!"

"After Puking I Fell Asleep In It."

"My father took a leak on the bedroom radiator, thinking he was in the bathroom."

"I came home really drunk one night when I was like sixteen. I had to take a piss but I was afraid I wouldn't find my way to the bathroom in the dark. So I opened my window and pissed out onto the lawn. I forgot to open the storm window..."