whoosh

"I threw a cigarette butt out the window of my wife's new car only to have it blow back in [unnoticed by me]. It burned a very nice hole in the back seat."

"Backed out of the garage with the car door open. Result... A three-door car."

"One night in college I was driving in a part of town that I was not familiar with looking for a friend's new apartment. The idiot sitting next to me screamed 'this is the street, make a left!' I of course was in the right hand turn lane and abruptly turned left across three lanes of traffic. Right into the side of a police car. To make matters worse, if I had completed my left turn I would have been going the wrong way down a one way street."

"On a cross-country move I thought I lost the cruise-control lever. I was worried I wouldn't be able to go at the right speed if I couldn't turn the cruise-control off. Searched for it with my kids (and screw-driver in hand) for at least 15 minutes before I realized the steering wheel column was turned around from when I had pulled into the parking spot, and the lever was on the opposite side."

"I accused someone of trying to break into my car; I later realized the car he was getting into wasn't mine."

"I have--by accident mind you--attached my front bumper to an El train track pillar and ripped it off on Wells Street in Chicago. My car didn't feel a thing. I had to pick up my bumper and put it into my back seat."

"I was once a juror on a DUI case. While driving to the courthouse, my pickup's engine siezed up and quit because I had forgotten to put oil in it for nearly a year. I was stranded on the freeway and had to flag down a highway patrolman, who gave me a ride to the courthouse in his squad car."

"Rolling up the windows during a rain storm, but neglecting to close the sun roof, then wondering out loud to my fellow moron about why we were getting wet."

"Urged my friend to lock his car at the mall... he laughed. It was a Mustang convertible w/top down."

"I drive a Jeep with one of those remotes that unlocks the door. I had unlocked the Jeep with the remote, but I forgot something in the house. I walked back clicking the 'Unlock' button on the remote at the house, thinking it would unlock my front door."

"Very early one Sunday morning, I picked up a cup of coffee from the drive-thru of a well known fast food joint. Running late, I decided to add the cream & sugar later. At a toll booth, I decided that since nobody was around, I could get away with fixing up my coffee right there. In a subconscious time saving effort, I just pushed in the clutch - keeping the car in gear. So, I have this scalding hot coffee delicately balanced between my legs, cream in one hand & sugar in the other. Perfect time for a nice stealthy car to come up behind me and blow the horn! This surprise resulted in my legs inexplicably reacting on their own - out with the clutch, down on the gas! The resulting herky-jerky motion sloshed a good amount of the scalding coffee on my crotch! I quickly pulled over jumped out of the car - hopping around in burning pain and prepared to curse up a storm at the driver of the car behind me (since this was so obviously not MY fault). The toll attendant was having himself a good laugh, while the offending car cruised past me. Just before I unleashed my wrath, the attractive young blonde behind the wheel gave me the cute-girl smile and cute-girl wave - melting my anger and leaving only the embarassing feeling of being a highly visible moron, standing by the parkway with a wet, scalded crotch! The day could only get better..."

"My sister just bought a new car. She had a set of keys with a device that she could use to lock and unlock her car with. The set of keys also had her house kes on it. While being a true moron and trying to be sexy and flirtatious with a guy she really liked she said, 'Oh I don't have pockets in these pants.' She was wearing skin tight black pants. She then said, 'Oh I'll just tuck them into the back of my pants. A couple of minutes later she went to the bathroom. When she came out her face was flushed with mortification. She then exclaimed in tears, 'I forgot I put my keys on the back of my pants and didn't realize they were in the toliet until I looked down and saw them draining away!' As if this wasn't bad enough she spent $150 to get them replaced. At a party she left them in the back of a Sunfire sportscar and in plain sight. My boyfriend forgot to lock the car the second time he went out to move it. As we were leaving at three in the morning she found her keys were gone. That's when I found out she had already lost the spare keys. She had to pay a locksmith $150 to take the locks out of her car, make another set, and put the locks back in."

"I have locked myself out of my car while it was still running. I also got on the wrong flight and ended in Miami, instead of Los Angeles (not on the same day as locking myself out of my car)."

"I was moving to a new city and was renting a U-Haul with a trailer to tow my car. I decided to leave about 4am to get an early start. Driving the car up onto the towing ramp and securing it was the last thing I had to do (a delicate operation) and I was happy that it went well with no mishaps. I jumped into the cab of the truck and drove off. About five minutes later I noticed a guy in the car next to me frantically waving for me to pull over so I did. He leaned out his window and told me that the two back tires of my car were torn to shreds and smoking. Why? After I had driven my car onto the ramp, out of habit I had set my parking brake! If I had driven even one minute more I would've ruined the rims too. I had to wait three hours for a garage to open up and spent $150 getting the tires replaced. The owner of the garage asked if I was a moron. I told him that apparently I was."

"When I went to jump start my car after leaving the headlights on I connected the jumper cables correctly to my car but my friend connected the cables to his car backwards and shorted out everything."

"I forgot there was a little concrete curb thing in front of my car in the parking lot, so I gave the car some gas and drove the front right wheel right over it, learning later that I blew out the shock in the process. That, of course wasn't bad enough... I figured ah well, the damage is done, let's not make it worse by doing it again--so I wisely decided not to put it in reverse and drove forward. Somehow I managed to give it too much gas and drop the clutch at the same time. This had the marvelous effect of ripping the side moulding from the car and blowing out the rear shock too."

"I forgot that I used my car to get to work and went back home with the train."

"When checking my oil, I read the dipstick as 'Add A Lot'. Later I asked my dad how much a lot was."

"I crashed into the basketball hoop at the end of my driveway. I hit into it so hard that the entire pole came right out of the ground (it was cemented in!), fell onto the trunk of my car and then dropped into the street. So now I have a huge dent in my car, and we can't play basketball."

"I have allowed my dog to lock me out of my car."
"Tried to sled down a hill without any snow."

"While I was driving, I stuck my head out of my car and lost my glasses. I turned around and drove slowly, squinting and trying to see my glasses, when I heard them crunch under my tire. "

"I threw my car into park while travelling at 30mph. My car was unhappy and has been ever since."

"Told a pal of mine to turn my windshield wipers off, he was wasting my gas."

"Once, I was staring up and a car almost hit me. "

"Drove a bus through a McDonalds drive-in and crashed into the roof of the drive-through."

"I have lost my car in the Walmart parking lot, found one that I thought was mine, got in (the door was unlocked) and put the key to the ignition before I realized the car wasn't mine..."

"I have closed the car door before my head was in."

"I tried to get in the wrong car after pumping gas at a gas station and scared the hell out of the lady that was in it."

"I took the wrong bus one morning (well, it was the right bus but going in the opposite direction) and ended up five miles away from school."

"One day, I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work. When I was done shopping, I loaded the bag of groceries into the front passenger seat of my car. I pulled up to my apartment house, turned off the engine, reached over to the passenger door and unlocked it so I could walk around and get my groceries. I then tossed my car keys in the grocery bag, stepped out on the driver's side, locked the door, and then closed it. As I attempted to walk around to the passenger side to get my groceries (with the car keys in the bag), I realized I had just closed and locked my car door on my dress. I could not leave the side of my car. I stood there looking around in the parking lot, debating whether or not I should just go ahead and take my dress off, when someone pulled in and I managed to get their attention. After they stopped laughing at me, they were kind enough to get my car keys out of the grocery bag. The End."

"I have failed to notice that the guy at the service station filled my petrol-driven van with diesel fuel..."

"I have spent a whole day trying to find out how to engage reverse gear on a Renault Twingo (whilst on holiday)."

"I have called police to help me get into a car that I thought was mine but wasn't. I had seven kids, and once when they were young I forgot one at the grocery store. I once loaded my car with groceries from a cart that was not mine (found out after I emptied the cart)."

"One winter my car was stuck in my driveway and I had an extremely difficult time trying to back out. The tires just kept spinning on the snow and ice, and I kept putting things under the tires for traction, but nothing seemed to work. I had been at it for quite some time, and I was so aggravated with the situation that I got in the car and left the door open and hit the gas pedal. At this point the car took off in reverse with the door still wide open and I proceeded to rip the car door right off its hinges! Here I was, sitting in my car at one end of the driveway while the car door sat perched in a snowbank at the opposite end of the driveway! After the shock wore off, I nearly wet my pants laughing!"

"The other day I was walking out of my house to go to work. Had my keys in my hand ready to go when I realized I didn't have my hat (I work in a kitchen). So I hung my keys back up, went to my room to get my hat and walked out the door. Without the keys. It was one of the rare times the back door was locked, and it was snowing (I live just a few blocks away). I ended up asking my neighbor for a ride."

"After some surgery, I was riding in one of those electric chairs in a local Wal-Mart. We shopped for a few hours and went to the check-out. As we were leaving, I hit a bump and bounced in the seat, causing the chair to turn off (it would only work if someone was sitting in the seat). We got to the door and I hit another bump. The chair cut off again. Just as I got it up and running, the doors began to close. I backed-up and the same thing happened. The process was repeated two more times until I got up and walked out of the store. When I got to the car I was crying and laughing at my plight. Why me?"

"One morning while running late to work, I went outside to warm my car up. Got ready to go outside and could not find my keys. I looked everywhere for them: under the sofa, in every pocket-book that I own. I finally decided, hey, must have left them in the door. Opened the front door, saw my car running... the keys had been in my car the whole time. I didn't remember walking outside to warm up my car."

"Waited an hour and a half for a bus when I was not on a bus line."

"Stayed at my girlfriend's house till 1:30 in the morning. Driving home, while hallucinating lots of signposts, I fell asleep with my eyes open. Drove up a fifteen foot bank before my truck rolled back down (a turn and 3/4). I hit my head when the truck hit the bank and had a minor concussion. I was delirious, so when I finally wriggled my way out of the truck, I paced back and forth on the driver's side (the truck was laying on the passenger's side in the middle of the road) screaming at the world for not being there to help me turn it upright so I could drive it home. I ran two miles to a neighbor's house, woke him up, and had him come tip my truck up (with his truck and 3 ropes)--only to find that I had left my headlights on and the battery was dead. I called my dad (I'm 17) and we jumpstarted it from his truck and he drove it home on 3 cylinders."

"I was driving my brother to school one morning, when the car infront of me suddenly stopped. I didn't have enough time to stop and... bang! I hit the police car in front of me. In panic, I decided to move back so that we could see the damage to the cars, but I must have reversed a little too much because I rammed into the car behind me."

"My wife went shopping and locked herself out of a running car, lights on, radio blaring and wipers running. Only, she had pulled into the undercover parking and found a spot right by the busy entrance to the store. After a minute or so, the windshield was completely dry and the wipers began making this horrible, slapping noise as they struggled accross dry glass. She had to turn the blades up, so they kind of waved at the chortling onlookers. When I showed up with the spare keys 20 minutes later, I found her hiding discreetly behind a display 50 feet away. "

"Got into the wrong car and didn't realise until the driver asked me what I was doing."

"I always forget which side of my truck the gas tank is on."

"I have tried to stop a car in neutral from rolling down a hill."

"One warm and beautiful summer afternoon many years ago, I was sitting on my old Honda at a traffic light. I and my machine caught the eye of the lovely lady in the car next to me. She smiled, I smiled back. She rolled down the window and shouted, 'Honey, your bike's on fire!' It was. I was, too. I leaped off as the light turned green, tore my burning khaki shorts off and beat the bike's flames out with them. I tightened the fuel line clamp as the cars behind me all filed slowly past, each driver getting a grand eyeful of my very tattered briefs and my ass cleavage as I leaned over the bike. I rode home, still in my underwear, painfully burned and thoroughly humiliated. The ruined khakis, which I tossed into the bushes at that corner, still contained my wallet and house keys."

"I went to my friend Gail's house one night to drop off a book she had loaned me. Since I would only be there for thirty seconds or so, I thought it would be okay to leave the baby in the car with the car running. It would have been fine if I had only put the car into park. (Luckily no one was hurt.)"

"Told my parents to drive on the other side of the road in France."

"I forgot to chock the tires of my two-ton, full-sized van when I was jacking it up to change a tire in front of my house. I live on a sloped area. The van started rolling downhill and I had to get behind and push on it to keep it from falling and totalling it. I was shouting out to anyone to help me reset the vehicle in place, before it collapsed on me. Oops."

"I bought a new car, and lost it in the lot of the dealership."

"I tried to play a software CD in my car."

"Parked up against the tree in the front yard after a night at the Elk's Lodge."

"My parents were out of town so I borrowed their Lincoln Towncar to drive my little brother and sister to the video rental store. When we came out of the store, I could not get the car to start. It was dark and wintertime and I was starting to get panicky. I didn't have jumper cables and my parents were away, so I called a friend of the family to come and give us a boost. Twenty minutes later he showed up and hooked up the cables. Then he got into the driver seat and started the car no problem. The battery wasn't dead, the problem as he pointed out, was that I had left the car in drive when I turned it off, and you can only turn the car on when it is in park. I have never felt like such a moron in my entire life!"

"My foot fell off the clutch and I sprained my ankle. To make things worse, I was on a date and I didn't want to say anything, so I just suffered and tried not to limp for the rest of the night."

"Always pass the roads I need to turn on because I am too busy daydreaming in car."

"Threw a lit cigarette out a car window only to find the window wasn't open."

"I was leaving school one afternoon and on my way out to the car I realized that I didn't have my keys. I thought that I might have left them inside so I went searching for them. I then remembered that in the morning I had put them in my purse and left the purse in the car. After forcing a friend to drive twenty minutes to my house to look for another set, and finding not a single one, we returned to her house. I called my father to come and get the extra set from my mother at work and continued to search for my keys later in my car. It wasn't until the next afternoon that I found my keys in the bag that I had been carrying around the whole time. To this day I have yet to reveal my 'Moronic Tale' to my friend."

"I've driven 20 blocks before realizing I was going in completely the wrong direction."

"I have crashed a car without an engine."

"Ran a lawnmower straight into my neighbor's garage wall."

"I was riding my bike down a bridge and was going too fast to pedal. All my friends were going faster than me so I tried to catch up. When I tried to pedal my foot slipped off and went under the back wheel causeing me to flip. I was probably going about 20 to 25 mph and I rolled the rest of the way down the bridge."

"I was about 16 years old and had just bought a new car for myself. Me and my friend were driving around and my car started making a funny sound. So my friend says, maybe it's your muffler belt. I got out and looked under the car and said, Yep, it's the muffler belt, I can't seem to find it, it must have fallen off. That was 11 years ago and they still tease me about the mysterious muffler belt."

"The day I got my driver's license... I hit a diner."

"One fall on the lovely campus of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill I decided it would be fun to ride my bike through the large piles of leaves so carefully assembled by the underpaid grounds crew. I burst cleanly through the first two piles, scattering golden leaves everywhere and headed at full moron speed into the largest, which concealed a dumpster. The gong-like sound of Schwinn on metal vibrated though the still campus air, alerting everyone that a college moron is still a moron. (I recovered, the bike didn't.)"

"While driving I have turned down the wrong side of a divided highway."

"Drove car 5 miles before I noticed I didn't have my glasses on."

I parked my motorcycle by the curb intending to step off for a few moments to mail some letters, but I stepped into a dip in the street and fell over with the bike. (The only thing hurt was my pride: I looked around, didn't see anyone so I mailed my letters and took off.)"

'"I live in a small town where everyone knows each other. I was approaching the town with a car load of kids and my sister. I found a toy cowboy hat with the brim ripped off. Trying make friends with the kids I put the little ripped hat on my head. Eventually the kids got bored or I decided to pay attention to the road, I don't remember. Point is, I forgot about the damn thing. Upon approaching Main Street, which is essentially the town itself, the kids began arguing. I got angry and yelled at them to shut up: they were scared and they shut up. One of them tried to speak and I quickly shushed her. With a look that could kill on my face I proceeded to drive through Main Street, commenting to my sister 'What the hell are they all looking at?' I parked the car on Main Street and proceeded to get out of the car when my head got stuck. That when I remembered the damn hat. To this day It makes me laugh, and I still have never forgiven my sister. I don't know who the bigger moron is, because I think she forgot the hat was on my head too!"

"I was riding a spree and hit my uncle's car, which was parked. After I hit it I got back up, and I didn't realize that I was holding the gas handle, and it kept spinning in a circle. My little sister had to help me."

"After going down the road too fast on my bike, I turned into the driveway too fast and ran right into a very painful barbed-wire fence. I bled all the home and still have the scars today."

"I have put a cone on my head and a car almost ran over me."

"Tried throwing a full cup of coke out of a closed car window "

"After stopping on the interstate to help an accident victim, found my car locked, keys inside, car running. I took one of the policemen's night sticks and broke out the drivers side window. As I drove off, I noticed the passenger window was open."

"I ollied off a curb on my skateboard and my backpack's momentum carried me into an unceremonious heap on the ground."

"One day I was racing my friend to his house. We were on our bikes and going rather fast and I guess I wasn't looking and slammed right into a truck, flew over the hood, and landed right smack aganist the windshield. Not knowing what to do I just stood up to see if I'd broken anything; I hadn't, so I got back on my bike and caught up with my friend.... Someone had seen me do it and one day asked me about it. I felt so stupid I just denied it. She didn't want to believe me but I was so convincing that she finally just stopped asking. So about a month later me and my sister are talking and she made a comment on how rude that girl had been to accuse me of such an outrageous thing. That's when I finally admitted I had done it. I'll tell you one thing, my sister sure thought I was a moron!"

"I drove home in someone else's car that was identical to mine. It was at my house for two weeks before I realized that I didn't put shit all over my backseat."

"I was riding in my friend's car. We stopped, got out, and decided we had better roll up the windows before it rained. I stepped on the curb, leaning and reaching over the open door to roll up the window. Almost done, I looked down and realized I had caught my boob in the window. I had to roll the window back down to get it out."

"I once was running an errand. It was raining and I ran out of my car as quickly as I could to keep from getting wet. Five minutes later when I returned I looked for my keys and couldn't find them. That's when I realized they were still in the ignition. The car was running, the radio was blaring, the wipers were going, and the doors were all locked. The locksmith couldn't stop laughing the entire time he was there!"

"I parked too close to a telephone pole, and when I tried to turn out of the space the pole caught the corner of the door and sheared off part of the car."

"I was riding my bike home one winter, and though most of the snow and ice was gone, there was still ice around the curbs. Anyway, I rode my bike up to this one curb, where the ice was nearly to the top of the curb, about 1 1/2 inches below the top of the curb. Thinking that my bike would easily navigate over this bump, I attempted to ride over it. The front tire came to a complete stop (I was moving at a moderately fast pace), the rear of the bike went up, and I did a somersault over the handlebars, landing flat on my butt. It wouldn't have been so bad, but a van was passing by just as I performed this spectacular dismount."

"I was driving my friends car home from a volleyball game and when we got to my house she told me that she was just going to climb over the seat to the driver's side. So I got out of the car, and out of habit I locked the door. She must have changed her mind because she, too, got out of the car and locked the door. We locked the keys in the car with the car running. She had to call her brother to bring her an extra set. The bad thing was it was about eleven o'clock and she lives 20 minutes away from my house. Her brother had to be a work at 4 in the morning so he wasn't very happy when he arrived with the keys."

"One day, I turned on my hydraulics, and got stuck in three wheel motion. Plus, I slammed right into a curb and lost my hubcap."

"Fell off the back of a bus."

"Rode my dirt bike through a screen door into my living room"

"I live only two blocks from a supermarket. When I was younger I used to walk there. Once when I was in my late teens I drove to the store, forgot I had driven, and walked home. On another occasion, one night as I was driving home from work I stopped at a four-way stop. I then proceeded to wait for the lights to change...."

"While riding my bike I rode right into a dumptruck full of cow poop."

"I walked into a parked car and broke my ankle."

"I walked into a parked car... and to make things worse the alarm went off, so I started to run, with the police right behind me thinking I had been trying to break in."

"I have driven my car late at night without my headlights on, because I could see just fine."

"I walked outside one morning, thinking that I needed to tell someone to move their car so I could get out. I kept walking to my car and got into it, thinking of this all the while. I then cranked it up and proceeded to back out of the driveway. Suddenly I heard this big bang and I looked in the mirror to see the car still there..."

"One snowy night after work, I was driving home on a lightly traveled road and I felt the car starting to act odd. I pulled over to check, but left the car running to keep it warm inside. When I found I had a flat tire, I went to get my keys out of the ignition so I could get the spare and found I had locked the door when I got out... Got drunk and caught myself in my fly... (Don't think about it, the pain will go away.)... Drank half a quart of whiskey, then ate two foot-long chili-cheese dogs. With sauerkraut. Threw up in the tub while taking a bath. While riding to work one very windy day with a friend, a large stop sign blew off a pole and bounced off the top of his VW beetle. Since it had scratched his roof, we decided to write a note on the sign explaining what happened. We had just placed the sign on the hood of the car so we could write the note, and a New Mexico State Police officer pulled up. When he got out of the car I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, 'Honest officer. We were just driving along and all of a sudden this stop sign pulled out right in front of us!'"

"While rushing to the airport to go on a vacation, I locked my keys in the car. That was bad enough, but it was before removing my luggage from the trunk."

"While driving around and needing to piss, I would always pull over, pop the hood, and relieve myself into the radiator, making it look as if I was working on it on the side of the road. One very cold night, I did the usual, but this time didn't shut the engine off. I got back into the car and couldn't figure out what was all over the windshield. That is until it hit me what it was! It never occured to me that the piss would be sucked through the radiator by the fan and be sprayed all over the engine and past the open hood. It was funny, though, and I'll never forget it."

"While a passenger in a car my wife was driving, helping her find something unfamiliar, I told her to 'take a light at the next right.'"

"My car had a problem with the ignition and most of the time it would start without the keys--not all the time, though. I once drove to school, and then when class was over, I couldn't find my keys. The car wouldn't start without them this time. I realized that I had started the car at home with no keys, had gone back inside to get my things, and had forgotten to grab the keys. Most people can't find their keys, or lock them in their car. It takes a real moron to leave home without them."

"Closed the door to the car while cleaning the inside... forgot to remove my head... slammed it right on my neck and head!"

"I once pumped ten gallons of deisel fuel into the gas tank of my non-deisel car."

"I have ignored the radar detector in my car and been pulled over by a cop."

I put a ten foot length of pipe in my car and when I slammed the tailgate shut the pipe went through the windshield!"

"I lost my car at the mall and called the cops, only to find I'd been looking on the wrong side of the mall."

"Both my wife and I, happily married morons for over ten years, have each locked our keys in the car with the motor running."

"While filling my car up with gasoline I spilled some on my pants and jacket. Being a huge moron, I just left it there and forgot about it. Later while lighting the grill I took the match and said to my friend 'Check this out!' I lit the match and let it burn down to my fingers. The match burnt me and I dropped it onto my jacket. (I was sitting down.) My jacket lit on fire and then so did my pants. I was running around my backyard for at least five minutes before I realized my skin was on fire. I took a cup of what I thought was water but it was lighter fluid. I poured it onto my jacked and it flamed up even more. Then I finally ran into the woods and rolled in some leaves. Leaving me not on fire and the leaves on fire. I quickly stomped that out, melting my shoes."
[I don't believe it, but it's fun.]

"I made a right hand turn into my apartment complex and decided to reach through the steering wheel and grab something off the dash board. I then discovered that the bottom part of the wheel has a smaller hole and you can't turn it if your arm is through it. Fortunately I just went up onto the curb and into the grass, completely missing the rather large, solid apartment building that I lived in."

"Let's see. Driving with parking brake set. Leaving soda on roof of car while driving. Leaving keys in front door overnight..."

"I didn't pull the safety brake on an upgrade..."

"When taking the driving test for my license I backed up out of the parking space, with the DMV instructor in the car, and sideswiped the car that was parked next to me!... Needless to say, I didn't get my license that day... or any day relatively soon."

"My car somehow got into forward gear nosed against the back wall of the garage."

"My father, a pioneer among morons, once woke up from a drunken binge to find his car missing. He called the cops and reported it stolen. A minute later, we got a call from the next door neighbor, 'How long is that moron going to leave his car in our garage? I don't mind if he leaves it there, but we just want to know when we can use our garage again...'"

"Locked myself and my children out of the house and car, by leaving both sets of keys in the car."

"One time I was riding my bike on the side of the road and wasn't paying attention, and ran smack into a telephone pole and fell into the road for all the passing cars to see."

"I have closed station wagon tailgates on my own head."