January: 
The Turtle
The turtle thinks he's slow and steady, but who's
kidding who? He's slow, plodding, and about as bright as a wet sock. The
turtle often withdraws into himself, and God only knows what he does in that shell.
Those born under the sign of the Turtle are introverted on the inside, extroverted on the
outside, and make really boring pets.
February:
 The Barn
The stripes of the field represent the many facets of
your personality, which you have foolishly arranged into neat little rows. There
are two silos, representing all the goddam baggage you're always carrying around.
The barn itself is being humped by a tree, which represents your fear of being humped by a
tree. There are clouds in the background, or the barn has a coxcomb. This is
either a representation of your dreamy, impetuous nature, or your sneaking suspicion that
you are occupying someone else's body.
March:  The Bridge
This could be the Golden Gate Bridge, but it's
not. It's a sign of your desperate need to feel important that you'd even think so.
It's just a regular suspension bridge leading to hills with little squigglies on
them. Observe the blue clouds rising over the hills: these represent your inability
to color between the lines. Those born under the sign of the Bridge like to think
that they, like their Moronological sign, are full of duality and are capable of bringing
disparate points of view together. They are so full of themselves.
April:  The Frog
Those born under the sign of the Frog are bug-eyed and
web-fingered, and have really long tongues. While this is pleasant enough in the
bedroom, it renders most Frogs hellish companions at dinner parties. The Frog is
wearing camouflage skin, which represents your desire to fit in to every social
setting. The Frog is freaking out in a sea of polka dots, which represents your
innate fashion sense. The Frog is dead and we cannot see his legs; this represents
your fondness for French cuisine.
May:  The Parapet
Most of those born under the sign of the Parapet aren't
quite sure what a Parapet is. Even those who know what a Parapet is aren't entirely
sure what differentiates it from a Minaret. A good Moron doesn't care:
Minaret, Parapet, Parakeet, same difference. The main thing is, it's foreign, it's
sideways, and it's got little Vidalia onions on top. (Or are those golden
teardrops? Parapets can be melancholy.) Those born under the sign of the
Parapet are foreign and sideways and wear funny hats.
June:  The Hippo
Like the hills of the Bridge, the Hippo is covered with
squigglies. Either that or pus-oozing whiteheads: those born under the sign of the
Hippo are sophisticated enough to appreciate the irony. (They'd like to think they
are, anyway. In fact they're just boring: hence the yawning Hippo.) As the
Hippo wades through muddy waters with stoic indifference, so those born under him plod
through life with calm indifference. Hippos think they understand Zen or Taoism,
burn a lot of incense, and struggle constantly to find an elusive inner peace.
Hippos are perpetually disappointed.
July:  The Village
Those born under the sign of the Village are
idiots. More specifically, they are Village Idiots, and we would be lost without
them. Those who are not Village Idiots are merely Village People. Those born
under the sign of the Village are generally pleasant and good natured, and are therefore
easily manipulated and exploited, and can be dispensed with easily in the end. (This
is all represented by the tidal wave about to annihilate the happy little town.)
August:  The Diver
The Diver is a tricky sign, because it is a tricky
symbol. The Diver has only one leg, and is being attacked by two little mouthless
fish. This represents your persistent conviction that elves are following you about
and making fun of you. Adding another layer of mystery to the enigmatic Diver sign
is the fact that the diver's head does not appear to be connected to his body. This
can represent either your feelings of analytical detachment, or getting your head chopped
off.
September:  The Flamingos
There are five flamingos, each of them a slightly
different color. Each flamingo represents something different. Three of them
are facing left, and two right, and this also represents something. Flamingos see
the world as a sort of universal Rorschach test, so it's better to let them try to puzzle
these things out on their own. Like the marvelous birds that represent them, those
born under the sign of the Flamingos are bright and sociable, and are never more at home
than when standing around on the lawn on one leg.
October:  The Shark
Those born under the sign of the Shark are exactly the
kind of people who probably think it's pretty cool to be born under the sign of the
Shark. Sharks see themselves as sleek nocturnal predators, lightning-quick,
ever-vigilant, ruthlessly efficient in their pursuit of prey. That's one way of
looking at it. You could also say they're just insatiable stomachs swimming around
in the dark. Alas for those born under this sign, their symbol is not a Great White
Shark anyway, but rather the rare Weiner Shark.
November:  The Zebra
The foreground zebra sniffing at the background zebra's
crotch represents your obsession with oral sex. The background zebra sniffing at the
foreground zebra's butt represents your obsession with anal sex. Their stripes
represent the ambiguity of your desires: you want it one way, but you also want it
another. The squigglies here clearly represent sperm, because all you ever think
about is sex.
December:  The Tortoise
Sure, it looks like the Turtle, but it's not. The
Turtle faces leftward. This faces rightward; this is the Tortoise.
This is what your life is like, because your birthday is right in the middle of the
holidays and people are always getting you "combination" Christmas and birthday
gifts, which is unfair and insulting, especially if you're Jewish. Those born under
the sign of the Tortoise would appreciate if you could please for once just get them two
separate gifts. Seriously. Please. |
